.. home ..

.. home ..

today i go to my parents’ house for the last time
the house was emptied, treasures divided, cleaned, painted, and sold – all in 5 months
it was all too fast for me
i wish i could have bought it and just stayed there on the floor to cry and weep for all the things that i feel i’m losing
but life doesn’t let us choose what happens a lot of the time
time moves on, things are in constant change, and you have to continue with what you’re doing instead of looking in the past

my sister, betti, will be there today along with her husband
the kitchen table is still there and the bench where we sat for a million meals as children
we’ll order in chinese for dinner and have some dimpflemeier treats for dessert

i’m going early to literally lay on the floor somewhere, i’m finding it difficult to even get ready to go there [hence the post]
my entire life seems somehow intertwined with the bricks of this house, i feel i’m a part of it
i know, it’s only a house, but the memories left there seem as if they will now just stay there – i worry that they won’t come with me
you know the kinds of things: the creaks of the floor that seem so familiar [upstairs and the sound downstairs], how it feels to open the old windows, the berries at the back porch – the porch that was built as a play area for my sister and i, how the front door just sticks a little, the smell of home, the familiar dimensions of all the rooms, the kitchen oven…

it feels to me as if my whole past has been wiped clean in the last 6 months
my whole history and past is now over – all that is left is photographs and memories [jim croce is even a memory from this house - i remember my brother telling me that he had died, and i sat outside with him as he smoked a cigar in his honour] – oh, the garage: always full of junk, never a car

i hope i never forget

i’m leaving one of my mother’s spider plants for the new owners and a note welcoming them to the house that held my family so well for the last 50+ years
my parents bought it brand new and truly lived a lifetime within it
how i miss omi [my wonderful grandmother], whisky, schnapps, bourbon [the dogs we had there], my parents…and how i’ll miss that house
i truly wish the new owners much joy and comfort in it as well

this was always the place i could come back to, to be myself with my past, my parents
now, nothing
it’s not a wonder i wanted to keep almost everything from the house – furniture, art, anything and everything – my house is now bulging from the stuff of the past
i think i am the most sentimental person i know
i love that part of me, but it certainly does weigh me down
i have to learn how to carry things more lightly – so that i can flit lightly through my life

bye 119
xo


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